-I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor will I insist that their House colors indicate that they are “covered in bees”.
-No matter how good a fake Australian accent I can do, I will not imitate Steve Irwin during Care of Magical Creatures class.
-Growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is not “an extra credit project for Herbology”.
-”I’ve heard every possible joke about Oliver Wood’s name” is not a challenge.
-I am not allowed to attempt to breed a liger.
-I will not go to class skyclad.
-The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball.
-I will not use Umbridge’s quill to write “I told you I was hardcore”.
-I will stop referring to showering as “giving Moaning Myrtle an eyeful”.
-Polishing my wand in the common room is acceptable. “Polishing my wand” in the common room is not.
-If a classmate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that fact and draw a Dark Mark on their arm.
-House elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers.
-Starting a betting pool on the fate of this year’s Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher is tasteless and tacky, not a clever money-making concept.
-I will not start every Potions class by asking Professor Snape if today’s project is suitable for use as a sexual lubricant.
-Adding the name “Bueller” to Professor Binns’ roster is not funny.
-”Springtime for Voldemort” is not an acceptable suggestion for the class play.
-Seamus Finnegan is not “after me Lucky Charms”.
-I will not refer to the Weasley twins as “bookends”.
-I will not refer to the Patil twins as “bookends”.
-The Slytherin prefect is named Draco Malfoy, not “Rocky Horror.”
-It is exceptionally tasteless to tell Professor Lupin that “Once you go Black, you never go back.”
-I will not call Lucius Malfoy “Jareth”.
-I will not bring a Magic Eight Ball to Divination class.
-I am not to refer to the Potions classroom as “Kitchen Stadium”.
-I will not tell Ron and Hermione to “Get a room” whenever they start to fight.
-The Forbidden Forest is forbidden for a reason.
-I am not a tribble Animagus.
-I am allowed to have a toad, rat, cat, or owl. I am not allowed to have a reticulated python, snow leopard, Tasmanian devil, or piranha.
-I do not weigh the same as a duck.
-Remus Lupin does not want a flea collar.
-Sirius Black is not #24601.
-I will not lick Trevor.
-I will stop asking the Arithmancy teacher what the square root of -1 is.
-I am not being repressed.
-Calling Lucius Malfoy “Luscious Mouthful” is just plain gross.
-I will not change the password to the prefects’ bath to “Makes getting clean almost as much fun as getting dirty”.
-There is no such thing as an Invisibility Thong.
-I am not a Pinball Wizard.
-Asking “How do you keep a Gryffindor in suspense?” and walking away is only funny the first time.
-I will not offer to pose nude for Colin Creevey.
-I will not offer to pose nude for Dean Thomas.
-It is a bad idea to tell Professor Snape he takes himself too seriously.
-It is a bad idea to tell Professor McGonagall she takes herself too seriously.
-Sir Cadogan is not one of the knights who say “NI”.
-I will not offer to prepare tandoori owl.
-I will stop asking when we will learn to make “Love Potion Number Nine”.
-I will not ask Dumbledore to show me the pointy hat trick.
-I will not greet Professor McGonagall with “What’s new, pussycat?”
-There is not now, nor has there ever been, a fifth House at Hogwarts, and I am not a member of that house, nor am I its founder.
-I will not take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter.
